A discussion no parent wants to have…
(For Ambriel’s back story please click here)
Ambriel has been feeling absolutly lousy the last few weeks. She is non stop sick. Last night I nearly drove over 100 miles to Children’s Hospital Emergency Room to get her looked at. She had been feeling nauseaus from the time she got up until she goes to bed. Last night she started with cold sweats. I had her lie down with strict instructions to get up if she started feeling worse. She felt better, and my heart went back to its normal, apprehensive state. She has an appt Thursday with a Pediatric GI, and we are all anxious for that appt.
Ambriel is also worried, especially that the doctor might find that she has cancer again. I keep trying to keep her worries at a minimum, but they remain there. Sunday, we were in the car and we had a conversation that I wanted to be sure to put down, so I have it if I ever need it (although I really hope not).
Please keep in mind that Ambriel is 11 yrs old.
Ambriel: Mom, you know that if this cancer comes back, I could die…right?
Me: Yes, but I don’t want to think about it.
A: I want to talk about my funeral for a second
M: Ok…
A: Mom, I want you to have a celebration. I don’t want everyone crying. I want happy and joyful music. I want everyone to think about my life, not my sickness or death.
M: (in tears now) Ambriel, I can’t promise you I won’t cry…
A: I understand mom, but I am not afraid of dying. I am looking forward to life without cancer and sickness. I am looking forward to a time with no tears. I am looking forward to heaven. I will be watching over you and making a place ready for you and the rest of the family. I will not be sad. I have lived a great life.
M: (pulling the car over) Ambriel, please don’t talk this way… You have to keep thinking you will be alive.
A: I know mom, but I also know that having cancer means I could die someday. I can’t ignore that. I understand that you will cry too, its OK if you cry, but not at my funeral. Try not to, please mom?
M: Is there any special songs you want played at your funeral?
A: I can’t think of any right now, but I want happy songs.
M: I am glad you talked to me about this now, lets hope I never have to remember all this, lets hope that it goes the other way, and you are at my funeral someday a long time from now, OK?
A: OK, what kind of funeral do you want?
M: One very much like yours… OK?
A: OK.
From there we moved onto another subject. It was the worst conversation I have ever had to sit through, but I feel better having had it. I wanted to put it here, not to make everyone cry, but so I can refer back to it if I ever need to. I pray that day NEVER comes, but just in case.
Filed under: Ambriel, Chondrosarcoma, Family, childhood cancer, death, health | Tagged: cancer, childhood cancer, Chondrosarcoma, dying
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jesus christ.
OMGs … oh hun I just want to reach right through the computer and give all of you a huge hug ….
I will be praying for her tonight …. that her symptoms are not what she (and im sure all of you) fears ….
if there is anything I can do let me know …..
My heart goes out to Ambriel, She is one of a kind. I will be praying for Ambriel and the rest of the family as well. and for you as well Sky Windows.
I just want to say that I love all of you and want to wrap my arms around the both of you right now.
God Bless
She’s a trooper. And so are you . .
I’ll keep y’all in my thoughts and prayers tonight… and for however long you need ‘em.
That is one amazing young lady. I’m left in awe after every update regarding her. Hoping the best for all of you. Take care guys.
hey i havent gotton to look at your blog in quite a while- i wish i was able to keep up better but i work way too much. You tell Amber for me that i think she is stronger than most grown ups are… how many adults are ready to face death the way this kid is? none that i know of, and especially me! it shouldnt be that way… no kid should ever have to think about their funeral- and i hope that day never comes under these circumstances. I know, Amber, that you can beat this… u just keep your head up and believe that you are going to beat this. the rest of us are going to keep praying for you and your family. (i would also like to mention that the University of New Mexico has some of the best cancer specialists in the country- you may consider bringing her here for treatment?)
I think it’s better to know what to expect, then you all can try to achieve whatever needs to be done.
Wow - that was some difficult conversation to have - but you are wonderful to have had it with Ambriel instead of dismissing it and changing the subject.
It does give you an insight into her fears though - and when you find out that all is well this time when you see the docs (as I’m sure you will) because there is some logical explanation (like medication causing it) then it may be best to sit down with Ambriel and talk her through her fears.
It is very common after you’ve ha a serious diagnosis like cancer to assume that every symptom is the cancer returning. This can be quite debilitating - and the anxiety and fear can make you feel worse and make the symptoms seem worse too. A kind of psychosymatic reaction.
I went through similiar feelings myself - feeling that every pain in my leg wa the cancer returning etc. Imagine how much harder it is for a child to cope with?
I think Ambriel is showing just how plucky she is and just how brave - but also indicating her worst fears. it may be that counselling could help her - once you’ve established that there is no recurrence problem of course.
((((((((((Hugs to you both)))))))))))))
Thank you all for your comments on this post. It was almost as difficult to put here as it was to have the discussion itself.
@ Lady, I think counseling for her and her fears is a fabulous idea.
How is it that kids are just so open and honest. She sounds so pure in thought and heart. She sounds like an angel. You must be pretty fantastic if your daughter can talk to you like that. You are so lucky to have each other to look to for comfort in troubled times. I’ll be thinking of you both.
Hugs for you all. I wish wishing could make things different.